Hey, guess what. Turns out that publishing a travel guide on our very public blog which explicitly lists the exact location of our secret rebel base was a terrible idea. Can you imagine? What were the odds? I had absolutely no idea none of this would ever happen. It’s just a complete and utter shock to me, I swear. Anyway, so, uh… That goes without saying, but the Empire is kinda sorta coming to kill each and every single one of us. I’d advise you to run, but doing so might be pretty pointless, so instead the best you can do is panic, scream, cry and hug your spouse (or droid – I’m not judging) goodbye. I, personally, am planning on employing one of the few practical skills I learned from my rock farming days on Dantooine and shall be building myself an Empire-proof rock shelter for one, so—
Wait. This just in. Don’t panic. It’s all going to be fine because our pilots are way more qualified than their clowns! Sure, they may have graduated the Imperial Academy with honors, and they may have spent years learning how to fly while most of us are just farmers and construction workers, but we’ve got something that they’ll never have! And I’ll tell you what it is as soon as I can come up with something convincing—Ships! We’ve got awesome ships at our disposal, and I’m not just saying that because Mon Mothma is staring at me so intently she’d make a Rancor cry. No, we’ve definitely got the best ships ever! As a matter of fact, why don’t we just go through the best of the best right now, just to put our minds at ease?
“Wait a minute,” you might be thinking to yourself, “aren’t the T-47s those slow, completely harmless hovering ships with the magnetic cables that we use to transport cargo around Echo Base?” And of course not, don’t be ridiculous! Those were the T-47 Carrier models, while these are the T-47 Airspeeder model. You see how the Airspeeders have two turrets welded to their front? Totally different, and according to our own regulations submitted and approved by Mon Mothma, totally classifies as a starfighter even though it can barely fight and can’t actually leave the planet’s atmosphere. I mean, who needs actual spaceships piloted by trained professionals when you can have a bunch of transport vehicles with turrets on them manned by farmers? If the Emperor isn’t shaking in his boots, he should.
Don’t worry, we’ve got a couple of actual starships here! Actual, honest-to-Force starships, believe it or not! The Y-Wings are among the very first generation of “-Wing” starfighters, and despite the fact that they’re older than old (were they around during the Old Republic? I would’ve double-checked that if the Empire hadn’t burned or corrected all history books), they’ve also got the most firepower out of any starship we’ve currently got, which is why they’re pretty great for doing stuff like bomb runs on Imperial Star Destroyers. The problem is that by the time the Y-Wings get anywhere near the bombing area most of them will be long gone. Don’t forget that they’re pretty old and rusty, so while they’ve got plenty of firepower, speed isn’t exactly their forte… But who needs speed when you’ve got the best pilots in the Galaxy? I do, but Mon Mothma was very insistent I add that line. In other news, Imperial ships have been jumping through hyperspace and appearing over Hoth, so you guys might want to hurry up to your ships. Speaking of!
Come on, how can the X-Wing NOT be number one? It’s the signature starship of the Rebel Alliance, and the one that Luke Skywalker used to blow up the Death Star and save us all from certain doom! And even if you ignore the fact that Skywalker, the overhyped Bantha fodder, only succeeded because his best friend came to his aid, causing one of Darth Vader’s co-pilots to panic and knock him off-balance, it’s undeniable that the X-Wings are still objectively fantastic. They’re fast, have a healthy amount of firepower, and true, their shields get torn through pretty much immediately, but at least they’re better than the flying death boxes the Empire calls TIE Fighters! Out of all the heaps of junks we use in our fight, the X-Wings are the least junky – save me one of these for the evacuation! And speaking of evacuation! And speaking of evacuation, I do believe that the roof has just collapsed, so that’s where I’ll be taking my leave. If you don’t hear from me again, know that I’ll always be sulking in the big rock farm in the sky.